An Open Letter to the Young Ladies Sporting Dildos in Austin

dildoFor those of you who don’t know, there is a movement at the University of Texas at Austin to carry large, multicolored, vibrating sex toys openly on campus as a way to protest the open carry gun laws that were passed last legislative session. These eloquent and misguided mostly young women have started a “Cocks Not Glocks” Facebook Page to chronical their adventures. You can look at it here: Be warned, its graffic and unbearably stupid. Now to the letter….

Dear Young Blond Woman Holding the 18 inch dildo:

Bless your heart.

I get that you are a 20 year old Marketing Major that truly believes that you are going to change the world by waving around a disturbingly large rubber male genitalia, but, Pumpkin, you are not. First of all, you are in Texas, the gun capital of the world. We like our guns. Plenty of us, even other 20 year old Marketing Majors, like their guns and want to be in charge of their own safety.

The damage that you have done to your own reputation is marked and immeasurable. Prospective employers will only have to Google your name and likeness and decide that perhaps you are not the type employee they want at their firm. You are already complaining about threats and bullying from people who disagree with you, but what the hell did you expect? People would go “Hey, that makes sense, I’ll just get rid of my gun and start to carry a vibrating penis for protection.” Seriously, grow up.

What is it you intend to change by this little display–other than your parents mind about funding your little inappropriate protest? The law is passed. The University’s lawsuit against it has been dismissed. The only way this law gets changed is by the Texas Legislature. Do you really think that a Republican Controlled Legislature will be swayed by a 20 year old Marketing Major and her girlfriends waving a bunch of rubber phallics? Really? Again, grow up.

In the future, when this comes back to haunt you and your kids google you and discover pictures of their mother waving a large penis, you will think “what was I thinking?” When you don’t get that dream job because you aren’t the kind of serious minded person that shows good judgement  that they seek in an employee, you will know that this was a very bad, very, very, bad, idea. When some creeper you’re talking to on OKCupid assumes things about your morality based on what he’s seen on the internet, you will truly know the true cost of your naivety.

Now put the penis down. Take yourself off social media. And go do your homework. Meanwhile, know that there are more good guys (and girls) with guns on your campus than there were last year. And that’s a good thing.

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